Are You The Office Douchebag?

douche-16Every office, every place of employment has, at the very least, one of these people; the ones you, cheerfully, visualize being mauled by a tiger or perhaps envision yourself slamming a desk drawer closed…on their head.

You know the type; they truly believe they can do any job better than the person hired to do said job. They nitter and titter behind everyone’s back; they snipe and they’re snide. When they are away, then entire office, including the building and the furniture, seems to breathe a sigh of relief and the atmosphere is several degrees lighter. They seem to be, blissfully, unaware of their douchebaggery.

Are you the office douche bag? If you are, you probably don’t know it. You probably believe you are “all that and a side order of chips”. How do you know you are the office douche bag? Fairly easy to determine:

  1. Do you believe you can run the ship better than your boss, better than the supervisors?
  2. Do you titter behind the backs of your co-workers and don’t believe it is petty and dirty to do so?
  3. Do you watch and comment about the personal habits of others, as in the following:
    1. He/she must have kidney problems…always in the washroom
    2. His/her desk is always messy but nothing seems to get done.
    3. He/she is ALWAYS on the phone.
    4. He/she is ALWAYS surfing the ‘net
    5. He/she is ALWAYS taking cigarette breaks.
    6. He/she is ALWAYS brown-nosing the boss.
    7. What is he/she wearing?!

These are signs that you may be your own office douche bag. You may think or wish to believe it is someone else but the odds are stacked against you if these are things that you say, out loud, to co-workers.

Ask yourself, how are any of these items any of your business? Were you hired as the work ethic critic? Were you hired as the bathroom monitor or desk cop? If the answer is negative, then you really need to mind your own affairs and actually do what you were hired to do.

The office, the shop, the warehouse, the store – wherever you work; what you are doing is a job. If you are unsure as to whether or not your duties include timing the number and length of potty visits by co-workers? Ask for a copy of your job description; adhere to that. Of course, if potty monitor is listed? Well then, have a time otherwise? Try doing something useful, oh…you know, like your own job.

Sometimes office douchebags are promoted and this really puts a stink to the work environment. Not much you can do really; except indulge in personal fantasy with a decided sadistic edge. A thicker skin will need to be developed but the same goes for you – you aren’t there to worry about the douchebag, you are there to do a job. Put your head down and concentrate on your tasks at hand.

It does bear mentioning that there is a huge difference between the office douchebag and an office bully. The douchebag can be, easily, ignored with practice; the office bully, on the other hand, cannot be ignored and is quits a risk to body and mind. There is no truly effective method of dealing with a workplace bully; sometimes the only thing to do is to leave and be successful elsewhere. Yes, easier said than done but still easier than a nervous breakdown, no?  Here, some tips on surviving when you work with a Peter or Patty Poison:

A job is just a job. It doesn’t define you as a human being or rather, it shouldn’t. A very cold, very hard fact is that your office will not even mourn your absence, a week after you’ve gone. The world will continue to turn, the sun will rise and the accounts will still need to be balanced. Some other bum will be adjusting the butt groove on your chair within days.

The best, more effective way to survive in your job and not wind up in jail for murder is to mind your business. Do your own job and leave. Your co-workers habits, wardrobes, personal lives are absolutely and completely none of your business. If you think any of it is your concern, then yes, you are either the douchebag or an up and comer to the title.


Filed under Whatnot

2 responses to “Are You The Office Douchebag?

  1. I shall send this to my soon-to-be-son-in-law. He has one, and it’s a guy.

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