Resignation

   Poor Daddy, he managed to get himself into all kinds of trouble, for example, at the event pictured her?  It was my cousin Michael’s   wedding  and Daddy “celebrated.”  Apparently, Daddy “celebrated” a little too much and was not only in his cups, he pretty well dove in and paddled around..my Mom was very un-impressed.  I missed this event, I believe Dave and I were working, unable to get the time away. 

  My mother and I had a discussion the other day regarding grieving.  Her mother passed away in the mid 1960’s, a day after my birthday.  The last thing she bought was a gorgeous turquoise dress for me, I still have that dress.  Mom was telling me, even after all these years, 46 years, she still misses her mother.  It is a resignation, she tells me.  You never “get over” your grief, it transitions into resignation.  The hole in your life is never filled or planked over, it remains and you resign yourself to always feeling that loss.

  There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about Daddy.  Every morning, I listen for the sound of his car and catch myself listening for a sound that I’ll never hear again.  Oh the arguments we used to have on the drive to my office!  I know that he would do this on purpose.  He knew that I knew that he was doing it on purpose but we’d go at it, none the less. 

I wonder when I will be able to turn this into resignation.  I’m still grieving.  There is no resignation yet, there is still a raw sort of pain and this incredible sense of loss. 

I’m glad that he is not suffering anymore.  I just wish that he could not be suffering and still be with us. There is no anger at whatever higher power saw fit to take Dad from us.  He was in pain.  Constant pain.  Somehow, I know – not just “know” but I am completely convinced that he has really gone on to something good.  Not heaven.  Heaven is not my thing.  I couldn’t tell you where he went just that wherever it is, he is content to be there. 

But still, I miss him.  I miss him so much. I love you Daddy.

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