Assimilating the Changes

It has been 3 months since we lost Daddy. Looking back over those months, I am astounded at the impact the shock had on my life. I had believed myself to be too well grounded to allow grief to interfere with my views, with my choices and actions. I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

For example, I had several web sites running and I pulled them all down. My heart simply wasn’t in them enough to keep them going. One had been online for over 12 years. Although Dad had no idea nor had ever accessed the web sites? With him gone, I didn’t see the point anymore. I guess, in a very strange way, the web sites must have been for him. To garner approval or pride from my father. Won’t happen now.

I may put a re-vamped version up, in the future but for now? I simply don’t have heart for it, I guess. There was a very strange sort of numbness that had descended. I was inside, looking out – nothing was able to touch me. I had locked myself away. I do that. When trauma hits, I lock myself away until I am able to deal with the issues…no, that’s wrong, until I find a method of assimilating the changes, finding something positive in the events, some sort of lesson that I can apply – then I come out and deal with day to day living.

I’m not totally out of that self-imposed exile yet but it’s coming. I’m blogging again. Participating in Facebook, and other hobbies I have developed over the years. And I am starting to understand how to apply this grief, this loss, to my life, in a positive manner.

Daddy was tired. I know that, without a single doubt. He was tired and now he is at peace. Again, I know this – don’t ask me how, I just know…deep inside, I know. I saw that when I had to go to the hospital the morning he died. Sometimes, when you have to go to a relative or friend who has passed over – you can feel them. You can feel the emotion of their passing. When I sat there, holding Daddy’s hand – I felt grief, of course, overwhelming grief but it was my own. From Daddy, I felt only peace and relief. His last year was fraught with pain, with discomfort. He didn’t want to live like that. It simply wasn’t in his nature and so, when the opportunity arose, he let it go. He passed over.

The grief will pass but the love I have for my Flaming Leprechaun will live with me, until the day I leave this “mortal coil” for the peace that can be found beyond.

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